I’ve reached that time in life. You know the one where you wake up, glance in the mirror, and think: “Huh… I swear my face was plumper”
Yes, gravity introduced me to jowls who have officially checked in for their permanent stay. I also have another eyelid beginning to hang over my original eyelid, a phenomenon that, I should be happy about because #AsianEyes and pigmentation? It’s beginning to look like a bloody pizza on my face: brown spots, freckles, the random toppings popping up left, right, and centre. Gahhh!
So naturally, I turn to the fountain of youth and wisdom: social media. The bastion of sensible advice and realistic expectations where every tip, trick, and trending treatment is served up with filters, impossible lighting, and more disclaimers than haemorrhoid treatments… not that I know anything about that. I was thinking about Joey from Friends…
Ok segue…
Let’s talk Botox. I can get behind Botox. I’m a committed bruxer, which means my adult life has been a continuous grind (literally) a slow-motion depreciation of my precious enamel and the consequential impressive gains of my facial musculature. Jab those masseters! Slim my face right down into a sharp little V-line. I am here for that feminine jawline.
But… filler.
Ah, filler. I just can’t. I’ve seen a handful of cases that looked great, subtle, natural, even undetectable. And then… there’s the obvious ones. The ones who slipped and unloaded the whole vial all up in there. Like that old friend who rocks up to a casual brekky catch-up acting like nothing’s changed except something has. Oh yes, something is different because her lips walked into the cafe a full minute before the rest of her did.
There’s a whole trend that’s emerged. The “done” look. It’s not even about subtle improvement anymore, it’s about looking done. Like eyelash extensions. Remember when lashes used to resemble, I don’t know… eyelashes? Now it’s as though women are challenging each other to an unspoken contest: “How many synthetic caterpillars can I glue to these eyelids before the hair follicles tap out?”
And then there are the cheeks. The cheek filler look is unmistakable especially when someone smiles. I’ll never forget being out with a friend who’d just had her cheeks “enhanced.” She smiled, and while every muscle in her face responded accordingly that island of polymethylmethacrylate perched high on her cheekbone remained motionless. It just sat there… defiant. Like every muscle moved passed like the movement of the ocean does around a fixed island. Good golly.
Naturally, I had questions. So, being the polite, respectful person I am (read: tactless and curious), I reached over and touched it. And to her credit, she let me because honestly, if we’re friends, you have to expect me to help myself. It’s practically a love language at this point. Thing is, she was happy and that’s all that matters right?
So since I’m unable to commit to artificial plumping I’ve decided to practice using my products properly first. I mean, I have so much of it because I bought into all the things. I’ve even gone as far as making sure my face is damp before applying hyaluronic acid products because it draws on moisture from its surrounds… whaaaaattt??? So all this time I’ve been sucking the moisture out of my face rather than giving it back because you know, Perth, it’s dry and all. I figure another non-invasive option might be to sleep in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber like Madonna does, coz social media told me she does and so perhaps I could look as “plump” as her. The machines are a steal at around 5k on Alibaba.
I think given my lifestyle and “CBF” attitude towards things that take up too much of my time, I need to find things that are quick and easy to follow. So, back to the fountain of youth, wisdom, reputable knowledge and sound medical advice that is social media for another series of death scrolls.
Ooohhh, Snail Mucin, sounds gross… add to cart.
